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Bog Standard

Toilet humor has traditionally served as the comfort zone in everyday journalism, and publications remain attentive regarding memorable lavatory incidents and milestones, especially in relation to football. It was quite amusing to discover that a prominent writer Adrian Chiles possesses a urinal decorated with West Brom motifs within his residence. Spare a thought for the Barnsley fan who took the rest room rather too directly, and needed rescuing from an empty Oakwell stadium after falling asleep on the loo during halftime of a 2015 loss by Fleetwood. “He was barefoot and misplaced his cellphone and his headwear,” explained a representative from Barnsley fire services. And everyone remembers when, at the height of his fame with Manchester City, the Italian striker entered a community college for toilet purposes in 2012. “His luxury car was stationed outside, before entering and requesting directions to the restrooms, subsequently he entered the faculty room,” an undergraduate shared with the Manchester Evening News. “Subsequently he wandered around the college grounds as if he owned it.”

The Toilet Resignation

This Tuesday commemorates a quarter-century from when Kevin Keegan quit as England manager after a brief chat within a restroom stall together with Football Association official David Davies in the bowels of Wembley, after the notorious 1-0 loss against Germany in 2000 – England’s final match at the historic stadium. According to Davies' personal account, his private Football Association notes, he had entered the sodden struggling national team changing area immediately after the match, seeing David Beckham weeping and Tony Adams “fired up”, both of them pleading for the director to convince Keegan. Subsequent to Hamann's direct free-kick, Keegan had trudged down the tunnel with a distant gaze, and Davies discovered him collapsed – similar to his Anfield posture in 1996 – in the dressing room corner, muttering: “I’m off. I’m not for this.” Stopping Keegan, Davies worked frantically to save the circumstance.

“Where could we possibly locate for a private conversation?” recalled Davies. “The tunnel? Crawling with television reporters. The dressing room? Heaving with emotional players. The bathing section? I couldn't conduct an important discussion with the national coach while athletes jumped in the pool. Only one option presented itself. The lavatory booths. A dramatic moment in England’s long football history occurred in the ancient loos of a venue scheduled for destruction. The approaching dismantling was nearly palpable. Dragging Kevin into a cubicle, I shut the door behind us. We stood there, facing each other. ‘My decision is final,’ Kevin declared. ‘I’m out of here. I’m not up to it. I'll announce to journalists that I'm not competent. I'm unable to energize the team. I can’t get the extra bit out of these players that I need.’”

The Consequences

And so, Keegan resigned, subsequently confessing he considered his tenure as national coach “empty”. The two-time Ballon d’Or winner added: “I found it hard to fill in the time. I ended up coaching the blind squad, the hearing-impaired team, supporting the female team. It's a tremendously tough role.” English football has come a long way over the past twenty-five years. Regardless of improvement or decline, those Wembley toilets and those two towers are no longer present, although a German now works in the technical area Keegan previously used. Tuchel's team is considered among the frontrunners for the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup: National team followers, value this time. This particular anniversary from one of the Three Lions’ darkest days is a reminder that things were not always so comfortable.

Real-Time Coverage

Tune in with Luke McLaughlin at 8pm British Summer Time for women's football cup news regarding Arsenal versus Lyon.

Today's Statement

“There we stood in a long row, wearing only our undergarments. We were Europe’s best referees, top sportspeople, examples, grown-ups, parents, determined individuals with high morals … yet nobody spoke. We barely looked at each other, our gazes flickered a bit nervously while we were called forward two by two. There Collina inspected us completely with a freezing stare. Quiet and watchful” – ex-international official Jonas Eriksson discloses the embarrassing processes officials were once put through by former Uefa head of referees Pierluigi Collina.

Soccer Mailbag

“What’s in a name? There’s a poem by Dr Seuss named ‘Too Many Daves’. Have Blackpool suffered from Too Many Steves? Steve Bruce, plus assistants Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been shown through the door marked ‘Do One’. Is this the termination of the Steve fascination? Not quite! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie remain to manage the main squad. Complete Steve forward!” – John Myles

“Now you have loosened the purse strings and distributed some merchandise, I have decided to put finger to keypad and offer a concise remark. Ange Postecoglou claims he started conflicts in the schoolyard with youngsters he knew would beat him up. This masochistic tendency must account for his decision to join Nottingham Forest. As an enduring Tottenham follower I will always be grateful for the second-season trophy yet the only follow-up season honor I predict him achieving along the Trent, should he survive that period, is the Championship and that would be some struggle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|